The last month I have found myself thinking about how wonderful life is. Valuable, amazing, fragile. The funny thing is....wait. Its not really funny at all, I wonder where that phrase came from, sarcastic bastards you know that phrase never ends to a punchline. Anyway. The strange thing is that nothing has been going well. I've gained weight, gained 50 red marks on my face, lost touch with my childhood bestfriends, lost faith in monogamous relationships, and feel more lost than I have ever felt. Despite those things that happen to all of us, I cant ignore this inspiration in my heart, feeling in my stomach, and the thoughts in my mind. I cant even look at blankets anymore without thinking about how grateful I am to have them, then I look at my TV, furniture, books, soap, clothes, shoes, and all this stuff I have and almost feel ashamed to of ever had negative thoughts. To think and see my family and friends it almost makes me cry because I feel so blessed and so lucky to be put into this position. I think this feeling is the feeling of something above material. The feeling of doing something that I know is good, that is true and pure. I can go buy a new outfit and I admit it feels good to have the confidence and even sometimes the labels, but it does not come close to doing good.
I can't decide what this is. I dont know if it is something religious, or maybe ive just become more careless.
I do not necessarily believe that ignorance is bliss, because it brings a scenario of a girl completely in love with a cheating boy into my head, but I do believe that not worrying or caring so much about some things can be so liberating. The feeling of letting go is almost literal, you can almost physically feel the weight of bitterness, hate, anger, or sadness lift out of you, as love, giving, and caring fills it in. Im worried at the same time. Ive always been a little insensitive, careless, callus. At least on the outside. Ive been told that. If something can potentially make me feel hurt or sad, I tend to pull back and just simply "not care" which then makes me act sarcastic and hard.
I take back what I said about feeling completely lost. I know that I want to do good things. If it makes others and myself feel good and proud then that is what I want to do. There is no worry about career, cars, money. I dont feel the need to stress about those things anymore. I want to make others happy, or feel better, live better, be better. Ill get my degree in real social work, not the one you read a book and take a test to pass it. Im not saying I wont go back to school, because I probably will, I enjoy school and I love to learn. No more stress about the end result though, take it as it comes and live the best I can. Does this mean Im going to die soon, hah not really but it seams like such an awakening and the feeling of this blissful perfection would be preparing me for something.
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