gods my author

Alright....I just got done reading my last blog and maybe i am crazy. maybe? no for sure.

What the hell was that about.wow.
I guess it could be considered my therapy. imagine how not getting all that out would eventually result in.

I love Zombieland. I have to say that it is my favorite movie right now. it is rare that i ever finish a movie and then have a fairly strong desire to rewatch it. so i am doing that as i type. great show.

my grandpa passed away on the 27th, and then my couisin Raymond on the 28th. i am sad that they are gone. i am worried that ive become numb in a way. and i feel like they are in the room with me sometimes or something. its quite weird. like i am not as sad because i realize that they are not completely gone.

im off work today. i should go spend time with family but i kind of just want to be all alone. with my music and zombieland.

maybe a bath with the music so loud.
i freaking love this movie, not feeling any inspiration to continue writing for now.

im not crazy

im not
"you're a freak"
im not
"dude your a bipolar nutbar get some fucking help"
im not
"ya you have mental problems"
im not
"whats wrong with you"
im not
"really?"

just leave me alone.
yeah she is her and i am she
but fuck them both because i am me
yeah they argue and get in the way
and yeah he died and i might have been the same.
and fuck you for questioning and judging my me
and my me is i and she is my her
and she is crazy and i concur
you cant deny the dispute between
her i and me crave the debate like fiendz
and cry scream and bleed just to cause a scene.

i dont know where i am anymore
and how i got back here
for moments it was sunshine
and its gets darker and darker i fear

i konw i should quit and fake like im better
but this is going away
emotions and love for life has been severed.

i guess i get it and i know its over
i never loved that lucky green plant
i say fuck that march.....

mental restore

So i am currently trying to restore an iphone's software in order to restore a backup file back onto it. as if nothing happened.

If you are not familiar with itunes, ipods, and iphones, then you have no idea what i am talkin about. and that is ok, here is a quick lesson. Restore on an mp3 device such as an ipod or iphone means that all settings and media memory are erased and set back to factory settings. as if you hadnt changed the phone at all.

It all began with the movie "push" There is a lady who can see your intentions and can see what you are planning to do. To avoid being "found out" by this lady, the brilliant star boy of this film decides to write notes and then have everyones memory erased of the plan and prepartation of their plan to become the heros. ever since i watched that movie, i had thought about how cool it would be to erase a certain memory, or months of memory for that matter. how ingnorantly blissful i would be! So i am currently trying to restore an iphone's software in order to restore a backup file back onto it. as if nothing happened.

If you are not familiar with itunes, ipods, and iphones, then you have no idea what i am talkin about. and that is ok, here is a quick lesson. Restore on an mp3 device such as an ipod or iphone means that all settings and media memory are erased and set back to factory settings. as if you hadnt changed the phone at all.

It all began with the movie "push" There is a lady who can see your intentions and can see what you are planning to do. To avoid being "found out" by this lady, the brilliant star boy of this film decides to write notes and then have everyones memory erased of the plan and prepartation of their plan to become the heros. ever since i watched that movie, i had thought about how cool it would be to erase a certain memory, or months of memory for that matter. how ingnorantly blissful i would be!

so then, in the present as i am. I am restoring an iphone and the same thought appears. my grandpa kearl died a few hours ago, and i had my heart broken and its still bleeding from months ago. how nice would that be?

I think back febuary of this year. how happy i was. I wished that i could restore my mind to that day as if the last 8-9 had not happened at all.

usually i am not content with having regret. but i would have to say that i think i have regret, and i would be ok not having the last 9 months of my life back, minus today. i am glad i got to see my grandpa, and i guess minus the last week. although i am fucking up again i still am glad i was able to talk to my grandpa and hear him say goodbye and hear him say i love you too. today was a day. a day that you never forget but i might because my coping methods are not healthy.

F twitter and f you

twitter?

sounds like something my exboyfriend would have invented. >:0 " i want to know where you are and exactly what you are doing every second of every day, raaaar" even if it is boring as hell. yeah he was one of those ones. "protective" but will choke your ass. jealous and stupid as fuck. just like twitter. ill probably join up tomorrow, i tend to be a hipocritical-multi personality-crazy-dumb-schizo. so yeah....twitt me, blog me, myspace me, facebook me, and fuck all those social networking sites i just mentioned.

blogs and apartment living

i think i may not know what the real definition of blog is. i define it almost as i would describe puke, ralphing, vomitting, throw up, or even tourette syndrome. The only difference is that instead of my stomach it is my mind, and instead of my mouth it is my fingertips. Anyway sorry if its not what you thought. i basically just type whats on my mind. BLOG: noun/verb mind vomit, vomitting of the mind. ex: i was just blogging on how stupid mass texting textees are.


ANYWAY. Im sick of living at this apartment. I cant sleep. I have bought 3 packs of sleeping pills in the last month. I cant live right. I never have money. it sucks. i like being able to be alone and do whatever i feel like, shower with the door open, know where everything is, do naked cart wheels...whatever? but i am so excited to not have a rent payment, a cable payment, power, gas, groceries, fing toilet paper!!! only 2 more rent payments and im out.

im never here, at the apartment. i hate it now. what an expensive motel room this has become.

the "mass send" text message dilema

Why is it a secret to send a mass text, and why do people get offended when they discover they have been mass texted?
So it is Friday night and you bored as hell writing a blog about mass texting when you decide to find out what is going on that night. You pull out your phone and send a text "what are you doing tonight?" to pretty much everyone in your phonebook. Your friend Rhonda happens to be sitting next to Benny as they receive your text. They cant help but notice that their phones went off at the same exact time, and Rhonda decides to put it out there " benny that was amy asking what was going on tonight" benny looks up in disgust "omg rhonda she said the same thing to me i bet she just mass texted everyone in her phonebook" they both decide to ignore the text because they are so upset to be victims of the mass text. what the hell. is it a crime that i am a multi tasker? is it soooo bad that i want to know what both of them are doing? No this didnt really happen but i have given it some thought....

It first occured to me as i experienced the receiving end of a mass text the other day at work when I discovered that a coworker of mine was sending the same messages to me and another coworker, jace. As jace was asking the coworker what he meant by some of the text i realized that they were the same texts that i had been getting from this coworker.. for some reason i felt betrayed or something. Then half way through my rant on how i must not mean that much to this coworker in my head i stopped midsentence and asked myself. what the fuck is wrong with you. why are you even thinking about this? who cares?

Its like cheating through text for some people. what the hell. just answer the question, maybe they want multiple opinions, maybe they dont want to send the same text fifteen times, maybe they really just want to know what everyone is doing? maybe they are doing a survey? that one is a little out there, but still. who cares?

Attention mass texters: do not be ashamed. do not try and pretend like you're only texting one person either, that can back fire. you know when you send a mass text and you dont know whether to act as if you are speaking to all of them and say "hey does anyone know of anything going on tonight?" or to try and be sneaky like the textee is soooo important " hey what are YOU doing tonight?" I admit, you probably will get more responses with the important textee, but do that at your own risk, you never know who they are with and if they will be a gay ass.

Attention mass text textees: DO NOT be offended. obviously you are important, or else you would not be included in this mass text group. you should be grateful that you made it. How would you feel if you were rhonda and sat next to benny as he recieved a text from a mutual friend and you didnt? then what? see what i mean? Look at it as being part of a club, a very cool club.

October

Suddenly it feels like...October, my 21 years of living has taught me what October should feel, taste, smell and look like. I am willing to bet that I could tell that it was October without calendars. It is crazy how just one day can suddenly change the atmosphere, it feels like as soon as midnight hit septemeber 30th, October didn't waste anytime to kick in and start cooling down the air. The new chill can only be described as October, it is refreshing when compared to the heat that beats you throughout the summer months. Although refreshing, I am sad to see summer end. Around this time I usually find myself conversing with ecstatic snow-lovers who just can't wait for the ski resorts to open, and I usually reply "yeah I'm not much of a snow person soo..." before I can finish my sentence I will always get at least one or two powderpuffs interupt in exclamation and disbelief- "you live in Utah, and you dont like the snow???!!?!!?"

That will not be the case this winter season. I am going to transform into a snow-lover, snow bunny if you will hah. I will learn to snowboard if it breaks my bones, I will sled, I will have snowball fights, I will smile as I almost slip on ice but barely recover pretending like I never wasn't in complete control, I will laugh as I shake frozen for 15 minutes as my lovely 2- wheel-drive car heats up, and I will remain calm as I slide around the black-ice-covered roads going 5 miles an hour.

Ahhh, winter. I'm just so excited...

The color of everything changes, like the sun is shaded with an orange colored pencil and lays a sheet of transparent orange syran wrap on the earth.

What does October have to offer besides a slow retail month leading to an empty AT&T store and a bored Amy resorting to writing blogs...with the sounds of all boy coworkers talking about ghosts? A night for kids to get lots of free candy leading to sick stomachs and dentist bills. A night for girls to dress in the smallest amount of material possible despite the freezing weather. His birthday. Haunted houses! Corn mazes. Scary movies. Cuddling with the excuse that you're just cold...body heat! Red runny noses. Candycorn and spiderwebs. Dark at 7pm. Sweaters and extra blankies.

Well I am prepared. So bring on the chills in all forms.

"..and I think to myself, what a wonderful world"

The last month I have found myself thinking about how wonderful life is. Valuable, amazing, fragile. The funny thing is....wait. Its not really funny at all, I wonder where that phrase came from, sarcastic bastards you know that phrase never ends to a punchline. Anyway. The strange thing is that nothing has been going well. I've gained weight, gained 50 red marks on my face, lost touch with my childhood bestfriends, lost faith in monogamous relationships, and feel more lost than I have ever felt. Despite those things that happen to all of us, I cant ignore this inspiration in my heart, feeling in my stomach, and the thoughts in my mind. I cant even look at blankets anymore without thinking about how grateful I am to have them, then I look at my TV, furniture, books, soap, clothes, shoes, and all this stuff I have and almost feel ashamed to of ever had negative thoughts. To think and see my family and friends it almost makes me cry because I feel so blessed and so lucky to be put into this position. I think this feeling is the feeling of something above material. The feeling of doing something that I know is good, that is true and pure. I can go buy a new outfit and I admit it feels good to have the confidence and even sometimes the labels, but it does not come close to doing good.

I can't decide what this is. I dont know if it is something religious, or maybe ive just become more careless.
I do not necessarily believe that ignorance is bliss, because it brings a scenario of a girl completely in love with a cheating boy into my head, but I do believe that not worrying or caring so much about some things can be so liberating. The feeling of letting go is almost literal, you can almost physically feel the weight of bitterness, hate, anger, or sadness lift out of you, as love, giving, and caring fills it in. Im worried at the same time. Ive always been a little insensitive, careless, callus. At least on the outside. Ive been told that. If something can potentially make me feel hurt or sad, I tend to pull back and just simply "not care" which then makes me act sarcastic and hard.

I take back what I said about feeling completely lost. I know that I want to do good things. If it makes others and myself feel good and proud then that is what I want to do. There is no worry about career, cars, money. I dont feel the need to stress about those things anymore. I want to make others happy, or feel better, live better, be better. Ill get my degree in real social work, not the one you read a book and take a test to pass it. Im not saying I wont go back to school, because I probably will, I enjoy school and I love to learn. No more stress about the end result though, take it as it comes and live the best I can. Does this mean Im going to die soon, hah not really but it seams like such an awakening and the feeling of this blissful perfection would be preparing me for something.